A Book That I Had to Write: About Men, Dating and Relationships

Some lives travel with a swiftness and sureness like commuters in the express lane. Others navigate with a pre-determined map with all off-ramps and exits planned and accounted for. I would say my life has journeyed like a West Marin road — windows rolled down, the air rich with pine and eucalyptus, radio blaring, sunroof open to light filtering through the redwoods — slowing for the curves, stopping occasionally to let deer cross. I know, with unparalleled certainty, that if my life was meant to follow the GPS “shortest route to destination,” that route would have (most likely) dead-ended me into multiple difficult relationships, harboring deep resentment (for men), unmetaled and precarious from the origin story shown to me in my first years. 

I chose the title of my book, The Indisputable Gift of Men, to be both evocative and illustrative so that I and we can have our viewpoints confidently and clearly without interference from anyone else. While I have definitely had mixed feelings about men based on early experiences, there was also always a place in my heart and mind that knew they were a gift without having the words for it. 

Overcoming Childhood Trauma 

Imagine your spouse goes into the kitchen and there’s dishes in the sink. You’re sitting on the couch and an instantaneous trigger reaction begins, and your whole body begins to pump adrenaline. Then you take a breath, then another deeper one and remind yourself that this is now. That the trigger reaction, locked deep within your molecules, comes from living with a man whose reaction to dishes in the sink very likely could have been screaming anger, a rage of dishes being broken or a fury of physical violence… afflicted against your mother for any interpreted wrongness someone in the house may have created. I lived with that man, my father, for the first 11 years of my life. 

My house was more a war zone than a nurturing nest. Going to sleep at night, regardless of bedtime stories and snuggles, could mean being awoken to the toxic sounds of rage. But, there’s a brightness to me that I am forever grateful was powerful enough to illuminate those dark nights from within. 

My Backstory and My Life’s Plot Twist 

For 16 years, my career was focused in investment banking firms, including three years living and working in Manhattan. After being over-saturated from NYC vibes, I returned to Tampa, where I’m from, (re)met the man who would become my husband and settled into a very up-the-ladder way of life in the suburbs. 

That life and those choices began to reverberate against my soul, and I found myself being pulled to make that sharp left turn to California. The spirit and beauty of Northern California fueled me across 3,000 miles to start anew, guided by my favorite memories as a teenager spending school breaks in Marin with my brothers, the oldest having lived here since the ’80s. So, at the end of 2007 I climbed down from the ladder — got divorced, quit my job, moved — and began traversing the jungle gym that has been my career and life since I arrived. 

My biggest blessing during the last few years has been my job as a program manager at The Shift Network, an education technology company producing personal and spiritual growth courses. I have managed over 100 courses under the topics of dreamwork, Shamanism, energy medicine, energy psychology, mediumship, breathwork, somatic movement and more. In all of these teachings that come from every corner of the world, some around for thousands of years and some with scientific research backing them, the constant is that love is the gravity and provides the space for healing. And in that space we can find the gifts of the old wounds and scars; in that space we can create something greater than what currently exists.

I’m often asked if I checked in with the men who have chapters in my book — that would be a big yes! One I couldn’t locate, the others read their chapters and gave me a joyful, appreciative thumbs-up. And, my ex-husband simply said he trusted me implicitly without needing to read a word. This reciprocity of gratitude has been my truest north, fueling my journey to light the way for others.

Letting Go and Letting the Universe Step in

While writing my book, I thought, “Holy shit this is a lot of information to be sharing with people.” A lot of personal bits and pieces and details about me that I generally reserve for my small inner circle of friends. But for me, the term that I call leading lusciously starts from within, from our stories, the wounds and the memories that we love into new forms. My hope is for this book to ignite a revolution of grace. Grace in discovering and acknowledging the gifts you’ve received, praise for yourself in digging deep to find those gifts and gratitude.


Danna Lewis lives in Marin County. Her book, The Indisputable Gift of Men, is available on Amazon in soft cover, Kindle and Audible versions, and at Copperfield’s Books.